 | | | | About the Author Melissa Weekes is a Product Development Specialist. Prior to joining Great Kids® in 2018, she worked as a home visitor with Public Health Services where she used the Growing Great Kids® Curriculum. Melissa lives in Nova Scotia, Canada, with her husband and enjoys any opportunity to be creative! |
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of a toddler’s company, you’ve likely heard something along the lines of, “Me do it.”
On Saturday, my offer to help a little one put on their shoes was met with a fiercely independent “I can do it!” And when I gently commented that a shoe might be on the wrong foot, I was promptly informed, “I like them that way!” I couldn’t help but smile as this three-year-old clearly expressed their desire for independence!
While this behavior is normal and appropriate for an independent three-year-old, it’s not always fitting for adults.
The Struggle of Asking for Help
Take, for example, the last time I had company. Before everyone arrived, I was determined to finish the one million things on my to-do list without asking for help. After everyone had shown up and eaten, and the dirty dishes were piling up in the kitchen, a friend kindly offered to help wash them. My immediate “me-do-it” response was, “No, don’t worry; I’ll do them later.” Then, when everyone had left, I wondered why I didn’t take up their offer as I scrubbed endless pots and plates.
Life can be stressful, but we can make it harder for ourselves by holding on to unrealistic expectations (such as a ridiculous to-do list) and not asking for or accepting help. So, why is receiving help so hard? And why does asking for help feel like we’re failing in some way?
Why We Don’t Ask for Help
According to the experts, there are several reasons why we don’t ask for help, including:
- thinking it will make us look bad, weak, or vulnerable,2,3
- fearing rejection, embarrassment, or judgment,1,2,3
- believing we’ll burden, bother, or inconvenience others,2 and
- having low self-esteem, worth, or a victim mentality.3
This list challenged me to reflect on the real reason behind not letting my friend help me wash dishes. And it boiled down to a fear of being judged as a poor host. Wow! When I stop and think about it, that’s just not true. I mean, I do dishes all the time at my friend’s houses, and I don’t think anything less of them! I actually appreciate the chance to help out.
The Benefits of Asking for Help
This distorted perspective fits with the research. According to studies, our thoughts and feelings around asking for help are usually “exaggerated and mistaken.”2 In fact, psychologists say we consistently underestimate people’s willingness and desire to help and overestimate how much we’ll bother them.2 Even more than that, I was curious to read that asking for help actually DEEPENS our relationships with others as it shows people we value and trust them.3
But it’s important to be specific in our requests, as people can feel uncertain about what we need, how best to help, or may not want to pry. When we’re clear in asking for what we need, it can open the door to connection and growth.
Asking for Help Builds Trust
Talking of growth, researcher Brené Brown asked a thousand leaders which employee behaviors earn their trust. Do you know what the most common answer was? Asking for help. Asking for help shows that we can be stretched because we’re willing to raise our hand when we get in over our head.1 When we don’t ask for help, we limit our growth and show that we’re not ready to take on bigger challenges.1
The Importance of Connections
When it comes down to it, whether we’re talking about our professional or personal life, none of us can go it alone. We need one another, and building our resilience requires healthy and supportive relationships, not heroic individualism.4,5
The good news is, we can reflect on what’s stopping us from asking for help and make positive changes.3 I don’t need to be stressed out doing dishes late into the evening when I have great friends who are willing to help out. I just need to gratefully accept their offer.
What about you? How can you get better at asking for and receiving help?
Asking for help with challenges helps us better manage stress and build our resilience.
Enjoy a free downloadable resource on 10 Ways to Build Resilience After Adverse Childhood Experiences.
References
1. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. Random House.
2. De Witte, M. (2022, September 8). Asking for help is hard, but people want to help more than we realize, Stanford scholar says. Stanford Report. https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2022/09/asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize
3. Kets de Vries, M. F. R. (2023). Why it’s so hard to ask for help. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2023/07/why-its-so-hard-to-ask-for-help
4. National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2015). Supportive relationships and active skill-building strengthen the foundations of resilience: Working paper 13. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/supportive-relationships-and-active-skill-building-strengthen-the-foundations-of-resilience/
5. Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.
